Andrew Badham 2018-02-14 15:42:55
Of all the things people think they will gain learning critical thinking, emotional intelligence is likely not one of them. Most of us associate critical thinking with cold, objective analysis, which seems so antithetical to the warm, intuitive skill of dealing with people. The truth of the matter is that that cold objectivity is exactly what prevents us from making a real mess of our relationships. So, in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, here are some ways critical thinking can improve your relationships.
An emotional brain is an irrational brain
One of the first and most important lessons of critical thinking is understanding when you are not thinking critically, and that is when you are emotional. Most of us kind of know this already; you get a little upset, say something you don’t mean, and the situation devolves from there. What we don’t realise is just how powerful this effect really is. When we experience emotion whether it’s positive or negative, our limbic system steals resources from our prefrontal cortex and we become reactive. So, what we train ourselves to do to combat this is to be mindful of every time we feel our emotions pique, because if they do, there’s almost no chance what we do next will be logical.
We justify our own actions
Even after the emotions have simmered down and our critical faculties resume, we tend to skew our thinking. We don’t like believing we were wrong; it registers in the pain centres of our brain. So you might imagine we tend not to confront ourselves all that often. No, what we rather do is use our rational mind to find evidence to justify our emotional responses. For example, you get angry over something small and make a big scene out of it. Later, when your anger subsides, you think to yourself, of course I was angry, what they did was exceptionally rude. Sure I might have raised my voice, but who wouldn’t under those circumstances? As you hear these self-justifying sentiments enter your mind, you need to take a step back. Rather, we need to try and prove ourselves wrong. Could I have been out of line? Did I misread the situation? If we don’t deliberately contradict ourselves we will never know for certain what we believe is true.
We confirm what we already believe
Confirmation bias is a surprisingly powerful human tendency. If we suspect someone might feel a particular way about us, like they are still mad at us from that last argument we had, we will see that anger reflected in them the next time we see them. If we believe someone is deliberately trying to be hurtful, we will see that come through in their actions; nothing they do will ever seem good to us. The only way we can overcome this is to be mindful of what we already believe about the person or the situation and then try to find evidence to disprove what we already believe. What this usually results in is what most people call “giving someone the benefit of the doubt”.
Thinking critically is by no means the full answer to positive relationships, but it definitely helps. Remember, be mindful of your feelings and your beliefs about people. It might save you making some huge mistakes.